December 10, 2012

Braves Fan Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know I’m a bit old to be writing you, but what the hell, right?  You totally screwed all Braves fans on that “infield fly rule” incident back in September. So I figure you owe me as well as every single Braves fan in attendance at that game.  At minimum, you need to bring all of us new shoes, as the majority of us threw them on to the field around…let’s say…the 8th inning (by the way, my wife also needs new shoes and the old guy who sat next to me needs a portable oxygen pump, if it’s not already too late).   I’ll admit, you came through with my playoff wish and a GREAT final year for Chipper, but in the future, can you do all of us a big favor and set us up with somebody OTHER than St. Louis?  Those creeps come to town and take everything we own, even the last can of Hoo Hash.  I’ve been a good boy this year.  I barely called Tommy Hanson a bum once a week and I’m pretty sure I wished a horrible stomach ailment on Dan Uggla only once or twice…well, maybe a lot.  But that’s not the real issue here.  “Good” is such a relative term anyway.  Saber-matricians have proven that to be considered “good”, one must only do “good” OR “non bad” deeds 45% of the time during the day on weekends against left handers.  And you don’t argue with those guys, just ask every single writer that voted for Miguel Cabrera.

Anyway, I’ve really been thinking about what I want for 2013.  You TOTALLY read my mind and got Tommy Hanson as far away from Atlanta as possible.  Also, well done with getting us BJ Upton. I only hope he’s not injured from being stuffed in a stocking near my fake fireplace.   And since you can’t make the baseball season only 3 weeks long, so Jose Constanza can make an impact on the team….here’s my wish list.

  1. A really big bat – Even with Chipper in the lineup, we haven’t had that one REALLY feared bat in our lineup for some time.  That guy who when he comes to the plate, he’s one pitch away from putting the ball into one of the several parking lots around Turner Field.  We’ve had “feared hitters” like Uggla, Frenchy, Glaus, and McCann, but only because Braves fans fear multiple strike outs in one game.  Last year, McCann and Uggla popped up more that the Charlie-in-the-Box from the Island of Misfit Toys.
  2. Craig Kimbrel’s health – For the love of Mrs. Claus, keep this kid healthy. He’s our Mariano Rivera.  He’s proven that with him getting those last three outs, the Braves will always be in the playoff hunt.
  3. Ditch the Red Uniforms – You came up big when you gave us those slick cream colored unis last year.  But the red ones have GOT to go.  I know you’re a “red” kinda guy, but seriously.  They look like bowling uniforms.  Also, can you get us those old school blue/white uniforms with the feather on the side?  They’re almost as cool as hot chicks wearing Santa hats during the holidays.
  4. Bring Eric Hinske back – I know his talent and ability to contribute to the team is greatly diminished, but I have a man crush on the guy and I don’t want him to leave.  You remember when you gave me that Atari game console and I also got Yar’s Revenge and I thought it was really bad ass?  Hinske is the adult version of Yar’s Revenge.  Please, can we keep him?
  5. The Old Brian McCann – B-Mac HAS to be our team leader now.  But he can only fill that role if he is producing at a high level.  Only if he is the Brain MaCann of Christmas Past…or Spring Training Past…whatever.  His defense might suffer with David Ross’ departure, so we need Mac’s bat to counterbalance.  We need his bat to be consistent and we need it to produce runs.
  6. Big $$$ lottery winnings – I figure I’d throw this in for giggles.  You never know.  Love ya Santa…mean it!
  7. World Series – I know this wish will get shuffled with ALL the other teams’ wish for this too.  But seriously, WE Braves fans REALLY deserve it.  Sure, Kansas City could use a visit to the Fall Classic, but they have BBQ ribs to drown their sorrows.  The Mets fans would love it, but I hate them. So let them eat pizza or Chinese food or whatever they tout why NYC is so great.  As Southerners, we get dumped on ALL the time, let us have our moment in the sun.

In closing Santa, let me say how great you are.  You’re my IDOL!  You’re fat, your wear a beard and you work only once a year.  I have the first two down, I’m working on the third.  I don’t need all of the above wishes, just focus on #7…if I can only have one.  But understand I know where you live.  And I got A LOT of shoes I can still throw.

For more of my shenanigans, follow me on Twitter at @YourDailyVinnie.  Thanks!



3 Responses to “Braves Fan Letter to Santa”

  1. 1
    will Says:

    Classic. Great post.
    I see we re-signed Freddie, so Santa can you send him a magic crazy – 8 ball for managers?

  2. 2
    steve Says:

    no hinske. as a hog fan and a braves fan i was hoping to keep him.

  3. 3
    Vinnie Says:


    YES! Magic 8-Ball would be sweet.

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