April 28, 2011

McLouth’s Baby, Gisele and Buffalo Wings

I’ve been told by my better looking guy friends this axiom.  “For every beautiful woman…there’s a guy that can’t wait to kick her to the curb”.  I guess Nate McLouth was the Priates’ Bridget Moynahan.  Just like when I heard that Bridget (star of CBS’ Blue Bloods) got dumped by Super Fly Tom Brady, so too was I TOTALLY pumped when I heard the Bravos were getting Nate McLouth in mid 2009.  But now, just like Bridget with Brady, all Braves fans are carrying Nate’s baby…his HUGE contract and under performance.  I know he’s had a recent surge of late, but so has putting your foot in your mouth…just ask Roger McDowell.  And before we all get carried away with this athletic epiphany, let’s all take a deep breath, exhale and look at Nate’s body of work (which kinda reminds me of modern art, without the hidden meaning). The numbers don’t show that what Nate did on the West Coast will carry on for long, much less for an entire season.  When I look at McLouth’s numbers, I realized we got what Nate really is, a pedestrian baseball player (pedestrian being the optimal word as he seems to be very good at is walking back to the dugout after striking out).  2008 was his opus.  In 152 games for the Pirates(per Yahoo Sports):

165 Hits

.276 AVG

26 HR

94 RBI

65 BB

He was a Gold Glover that year as well.  But checking his numbers before and after that 2008 magical season (the magic that I assume he used to get these numbers was Voodoo), he’s really is not much to look at.  2007 is the only other year we can consider him as an everyday player for the Pirates.  In 137 games he had 85 hits and a .258 AVG (granted, that’s with only 329 plate appearances).  But the reality is this.  Unlike Denny Green’s thoughts on the Chicago Bears…Nate ISN’T what we thought he was, BUT Frank Wren and Fredi ARE letting him off the hook.  Look, I think we all like Nate.  Actually, I REALLY think we all hate him, but it makes us feel better to say we like him as a person.  And really, I have no idea if he IS a good guy.  Maybe he kicks puppies, watches “Mike and Molly” and does scratch off lottery tickets all day.  At least that would explain why he’s not very good  He’s just REALLY tired from wreaking havoc all day.  Nate batting in the #2 hole (ok…way too easy to put a joke there) was KILLING the Braves’ offense.  There are all sorts of lineups out there for the Braves that don’t include McLouth.  The only line up I want to see Nate in is the lineup of criminals suspected of stealing my enthusiasm/passion for baseball and murdering my soul.  His defense is suspect as well.  He seems to jump late on fly balls, doesn’t judge the flight of the ball well AT ALL and makes the simple catch look superb.  I’m not sure why he’s so timid in CF, but I have some ideas that are list below.  McLouth is making 6.5 million this year.  And I’m not holding that against him.  Unless literally holding it against him would land him on the DL until September (which by the way, don’t underestimate his absence helping the Braves clinch the Wild Card in 2010).  Just think what the Braves could do with 6.5 million.  So while Tom Brady (Pittsburgh Pirates) has his Gisele Bundchen (Andrew McCutchen), we (Braves Fans) don’t even get Bridget Moynahan.  We’re stuck with that crazy looking chick from the Drew Carey Show.  And we have to take her out to dinner.  And let everyone see that we’re with her.  And buy that dinner at a cost of 6.5 million.  That’s a pricy meal.

Some possible reasons why Nate McLouth doesn’t  throw runners out from CF:

10.  excess pollen on sunglass obscures view of home plate

9.  hates the sound of the ball rapidly leaving his hand

8.  flirting with a hot girl in the stands…realizes later it’s just a beer vendor

7.  thinks his Gold Glove from 2008 is just plain tacky, doesn’t want another one

6.  tries to visualize what Andruw Jones would do…then does the opposite

5. while focusing on what color highlights to get,  loses fly balls in the lights

4. got too excited when he was called back up from Triple A, left his “good” glove in Gwinnett

3. pregame meal of buffalo wings and Maraschino cherries leaves his hands super slippery

2. preoccupied with the thought of changing his name to Nate McLovin

1. he’s Nate McLouth

If you want more of my shenanigans during the week, follow me on Twitter @yourdailyvinnie.  Thanks!



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