Am I a curmudgeon? Sure. Do little things anger me? Yep. Should I just relax and enjoy life? Absolutely. But some things are NOT subject to negotiation. Like the person dressed in sweats and flip flops at Publix still thinking they need to use a blue tooth to talk on their cell phone…there are some things in life I don’t understand. Like the fat bald businessman talking so loud on the plane that even YOU know the Winkleman report is late…there are things we need to ban from society. The ballpark is no different. The Atlanta Braves are in the playoff hunt! They’re still fighting for the division crown and they lead the Wildcard by about 5 games. The time for unruly behavior at Turner Field is gone. And by unruly…I mean stupid. And by stupid…I mean illogical. The game is to be enjoyed! The chase is to be savored. Let’s not spoil it by doing half-baked, played out, uncreative histrionics that only irritate everyone. And by everyone…I mean me.
So I’m laying down some SERIOUS rules for the second half of the season. These are not suggestions, thoughts or ideals that I’d like to see enforced. We’re talking brand new by-laws here! I’m communicating with the Braves and Turner Filed as we speak to get these rules implemented (and by “communicating to the Braves” I mean they’ve hung up on me several times, directed me to their legal counsel and have now blocked my phone number).
1.) The wave – If anyone actually likes doing the wave, please tell me why? The wave has run its course. Just like YMCA, the Macarena, the Chicken Dance and Communism. When they blast YMCA over the loud speaker, don’t you cringe a bit. When they play “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang at a wedding, don’t you want to punch the DJ? WHY are we still doing the wave? And even worse, WHY THE HELL are you doing it in the 8th inning of a tie ball game. Everything has it’s time and place. The time and place for the wave is high tide at Hilton Head Island.
2.) Calling someone else that’s at the game then waving violently at them – You’ve all been warned. If it’s before the game starts or in the first inning, I’ll allow it. Because I know some of you can’t figure out how to agree on a time and place to meet people, so you have to scramble to see each other even though you most likely just saw one another in the parking lot. But trust me, if it’s the 6th inning, the game is tied, Freddie Freeman is up to bat with bases juiced and I hear “Hey, Kalee…can you see us? It’s me, Liam. Yea…I’m with Tanner, Bryce and Ashton. “ I PROMISE I will rip your bedazzled iPhone from your Bieber-like paw, shove it in your hippie “wanna be cool” hemp purse and fling it into section 336.
3.) Wearing a suit to the game – Trust me, I know schedules are packed with activities. But really? 10% of the country is out of work, but you were brokering a “big, couldn’t wait until tomorrow morning deal” 15 minutes before first pitch? Hey, nothing says “let’s celebrate the good work on the Penske File” like going to a 100 degree game in August in your Men’s Warehouse three piece RIGHT after work. Do us all a big favor, Trump…take a change of clothes. Or wear a red suit with a blue Braves bow tie. That’s acceptable.
4.) Making me get up during tense moments so you can pass by – If you need to go potty…hold it, sister. End of discussion. And if you think you really, really need that funnel cake right when BMac is up to bat, you don’t. Save it for when Alex Gonzalez is batting. I would actually like to miss him striking out once and a while.
5.) Bringing a book or magazine – I usually only see this at Georgia Tech football games, but it happens. Unless it’s a Street & Smith or some kind of sports reference item, leave it at home. Save the new Sue Grafton novel for the neighborhood pool. ***also, any living entity that might fall asleep during a game, leave him/her/it at home.***
I’m sure there’s more I’ve missed and I’d LOVE to hear from you on what gets you sideways at the games. I know you’re as passionate about the game as I am. And it’s not just baseball and the Braves. I love watching sports. I mean REALLY watching it and checking out all the little things. That’s what makes live sports so great. The unexpected little things that make you say “WOW…never saw that before”. So guys, pack the cooler and buy some peanuts (outside the stadium of course, to save some green). Ladies, put your hair in a pony tail, run it through the back of your Braves hat and put on that Bravos gear (there’s nothing hotter than chicks wearing team logo gear at the ballpark). Old people…enjoy the game, but please stay to the right, to allow others that can walk unaided to pass quickly. I’d like to get to my seat by the 3rd innings, Claude. People of the world, let’s all get focused and enjoy this run. It might be something you can think fondly on for years. And you’ll never do that with a funnel cake.
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